He's not perfect (a long one)

My boyfriend can be kind,  considerate, sweet,  loving, and romantic.    He is a wonderful father. He can also be an abusive shithead.  Verbally,  emotionally,  he smacks his boy and he even lightly slapped me once.

We are in couples therapy and both in individual therapy and I can see how hard he's trying.  His angry episodes have decreased significantly.  Even when he is angry,  we can talk about it rationally.  Either in the moment or after we take some time to think.   Things have been a lot better.....

Then his ex (mother of boy) got back with her  alcoholic,  abusive boyfriend (from here on will be called aab) and he's still been handling it pretty well considering he wants the aab to never be around the boy.  The problem being that the boy is 5 and loves the aab because he doesn't see that side of him. 

Last night we were trying to find out when we would get him on father's day because my family is having a get together and she (from here on to be called "ex" ) usually has him on Saturdays.   He is told that "aab wants to spend time with him too."  While I get that...boyfriend is his father. .. and he's a good father.   I love the boy very much but I didn't make a fuss on mother's day because she is his mother and she gets first (and only if she wants) dibs over me... always.... but especially on mother's day.  I'm okay with that because I'm a mature fucking adult.  As opposed to two grown men with their shriveled dicks out for measurement.... and every close swordfighting.

So anyway,  we are talking about this...bf and I... and I mention how I didn't make a fuss on mother's day.  Then I have the gall to ask him if he remembered to all her if we could have the boy child a few hours on that saturday for my niece's birthday party and all hell broke loose.   He's in my face screaming at me about how I ask too much and  blah blah, idiot, stupid, selfish, blah blah.  Essentially the things he wants to be saying to his ex.  I'm not engaging.   I say "I am not who you are angry at,  I am walking away"  the boy child is there and wants to know why we are fighting and bf turns on him and starts shouting and trash talking the ex and aab.  Saying things that definitely should not be heard by a 5 year old.  At that point I step in and tell him he needs to stop and I tell the boy child that it's not his fault and daddy isn't mad at him.  This pushes through the red haze that bf is experiencing and he sits with bc to talk and apologize and I make my escape to melt down in the other room.  He comes in after to apologize.  I accept his apology and tell him that he needs to stop flipping in front of the boy because he doesn't deserve to hear shit talked about his mom and aab and That bf Durant want to be that guy.   That he doesn't see his parents imperfections,  he just loves them all unconditionally.  Whether or not ex calls aab his parent is not our call.  All we can do is our best.   He agreed and apologized to both of us again and suggested we hit sonic for dinner.   I agreed.....to be continued.  I decided not to continue this because there is no punt to dredging up the past.

Trampled by the horse

Okay.  So I was going to write about how I not only fell off the diet wagon this week but I was trampled by the horse.  That's not true though.  I may have slipped off the wagon but I've been hanging on to the back axle, dragged along.

I have just lost motivation this week.  I will usually start the day off well but then I just go into "whatever" mode and even though I'm still mostly eating moderately, I'm eating mostly crap.

I won my first Diet Bet by the skin of my teeth.  If you are unfamiliar with this, head over to www.dietbet.com.  *I am NOT paid for this endorsement.  It's not for everyone but it helped me stay relatively on track for the 4 weeks.  I did what is called a "kickstarter" . I paid 35 dollars and at the end of 4 weeks, if you have lost 4% or more of your body weight, you win.  You win your money back and you split the rest of the pot with the other winners.  The pot being all the money the people who didn't make their goal put in.  I'm actually trying not to feel bad about that.  Everyone knows the deal going in.  I'm just a soft touch and I start thinking about the people who are disappointed and now are 35 dollars less than before.

I also don't feel like I "earned" the win.  Not for any particular reason, I just never feel like I've worked hard enough to earn anything, even if I have.  This goes for weight loss, relationships, work, etc and so on.  I understand this is a self esteem issue and I'm working on it.  I always thought if I went to a comedy open mic, I'd start off by saying "I don't want to offend anyone but I can't stand being around fat, white, Christian women...Completely unrelated, I'm working with my therapist on my self esteem"  I think it's good and I would totally go and do that except I have no idea what I would say after that.

I realized this morning though that I'm actually doing a lot right now.  I'm keeping our finances organized, our appointments organized, working full time and a second job a few hours a week.  I teach ESL to Chinese children online.  Let me know if you have questions about that!  I am also working on losing weight so I can have Gastric Bypass Surgery in July.  I really don't want to wait until after July because then I'll have to go through the pulmonary testing again and that was a pain in the ass.  I quit smoking...mostly.  I have had 3 cigarettes since February 14th.  I've cut down on coffee and started taking vitamins.  My point is, I have a lot going on and I haven't lost my mind and that is an accomplishment.

Have a wicked day!

Beginnings Suck

My name is Lauren.  I am 37 years old and I have a moderately promising career, a leased vehicle, 2 cats, a boyfriend and his 5 year old son.  I weigh 430 lbs approximately, down from 457 a month ago.

I'm in the midst of preparation for Gastric Bypass because I don't want to live afraid or be limited as I'm starting to be with my walking and ability to stand up for long periods of time.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I have NO sex life.  He claims it is because he's old but I know, and we've talked about how it's too difficult to have missionary sex because of his lack of stamina and my stomach and thighs.  I believe it's also a mental thing because he feels powerless a lot of the time.

He doesn't work, so I'm responsible for the finances until he gets a job.  It's been 2 years and he's worked a total of 5 weeks until he got fired because he broke his leg and they were working him more than he was allowed to work.

He says his son comes first, so he has to find work that works around his parenting schedule.  I'm going to have to talk to him about that.because he's never going to find anything if he keeps being that picky.  Additionally, I feel resentful that I am in charge of taking care of him and his son, paying for his son's tuition at pre-school.  I want to say that I won't pay it anymore but I'm afraid that JJ (not his real name) will be pulled out of the pre-school program..

This relationship has been hard from the very beginning and at times, I don't even want to be in it anymore.  He gets angry and reacts like a child with bunched up fists and trying to intimidate and screaming mean things to try to hurt me like "he's been hurt" because he feels like I'm attacking him.
Couples counseling has been going okay and I know he's really trying with his anger stuff. 

I had to quit smoking, smoking pot, binge eating and I am going to have to give up coffee.  All for the surgery tentatively scheduled for July.  If I don't develop healthier coping mechanisms, it's going to get bad, so here I am.

We fought just now about the money because, as usual, we spend it recklessly and then have more trouble covering everything than we should.  He got angry and started saying how I'm resentful and that causes problems.  What I really want to say is "Of course I'm resentful!  I'm supposed to suddenly be financially responsible for a family of 3 for the past 2 years while I've waited for you to get a job...any job.  If your son is so important to you, then go to work so that you can afford to pay for his things yourself."

I won't say that because I'm afraid of the blow up afterward.  How long does it take for someone that is 45 years old to change their ways and control their nasty, violent temper?  I believe that he is trying really hard to change.  It just kills me that I just have to take it if I want things to work.

That's all for now.