Trampled by the horse

Okay.  So I was going to write about how I not only fell off the diet wagon this week but I was trampled by the horse.  That's not true though.  I may have slipped off the wagon but I've been hanging on to the back axle, dragged along.

I have just lost motivation this week.  I will usually start the day off well but then I just go into "whatever" mode and even though I'm still mostly eating moderately, I'm eating mostly crap.

I won my first Diet Bet by the skin of my teeth.  If you are unfamiliar with this, head over to www.dietbet.com.  *I am NOT paid for this endorsement.  It's not for everyone but it helped me stay relatively on track for the 4 weeks.  I did what is called a "kickstarter" . I paid 35 dollars and at the end of 4 weeks, if you have lost 4% or more of your body weight, you win.  You win your money back and you split the rest of the pot with the other winners.  The pot being all the money the people who didn't make their goal put in.  I'm actually trying not to feel bad about that.  Everyone knows the deal going in.  I'm just a soft touch and I start thinking about the people who are disappointed and now are 35 dollars less than before.

I also don't feel like I "earned" the win.  Not for any particular reason, I just never feel like I've worked hard enough to earn anything, even if I have.  This goes for weight loss, relationships, work, etc and so on.  I understand this is a self esteem issue and I'm working on it.  I always thought if I went to a comedy open mic, I'd start off by saying "I don't want to offend anyone but I can't stand being around fat, white, Christian women...Completely unrelated, I'm working with my therapist on my self esteem"  I think it's good and I would totally go and do that except I have no idea what I would say after that.

I realized this morning though that I'm actually doing a lot right now.  I'm keeping our finances organized, our appointments organized, working full time and a second job a few hours a week.  I teach ESL to Chinese children online.  Let me know if you have questions about that!  I am also working on losing weight so I can have Gastric Bypass Surgery in July.  I really don't want to wait until after July because then I'll have to go through the pulmonary testing again and that was a pain in the ass.  I quit smoking...mostly.  I have had 3 cigarettes since February 14th.  I've cut down on coffee and started taking vitamins.  My point is, I have a lot going on and I haven't lost my mind and that is an accomplishment.

Have a wicked day!